A Letter to Thayne

11/9/15

I just thought I'd share a couple thoughts from our stake conference this weekend that I thought were really good! There was one talk in particular that I thought was really wonderful. The speaker talked to us about how God helps people change and we can make changes that last a lifetime. Throughout his talk he told gave us some points to follow and I'm going to share what really stood out to me.

There is a difference between bad choices and weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and those weaknesses have a purpose. That purpose is to use the atonement. The great thing about the scriptures is that they are filled with people who screw up just as much as they get it right. Paul told us of his "thorn in the flesh" which he plead with the Lord with all his might to remove, but the Lord told him, "My strength is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness" to which Paul replied, "therefore will I rather glory in mine infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Corinthians 15).  Weaknesses are supposed to bring us to a point where we rely wholly on the Lord. I have a friend here who has a struggle he has been fighting for five long years and he told me something really powerful. He said that through his experiences, he has come to realize that he is really nothing without Christ. Without Christ, he would be completely overcome and lost, but as he has reached out to Christ, knowing that it is only through him that this struggle can be put behind him, he has found strength in Christ. He still struggles, but his faith in Christ is unshakable. He understands that we really do need Him every hour.

It is not our job to be strong, it is our job to come unto Christ. It may take a lifetime to change and that's ok. We need to come unto Christ again and again and again. He will always be there.

The semester is slowly wrapping up and it's pretty wild to look back and see how much I've learned. For example, I've learned that the people you spend your time with are the people you love. Maybe it's not the case for everybody, but a mexican saying comes to mind, "show me who you're with and I'll show you who you are." Basically, we can't deny the influence that the people around us have on us. And the more time you spend with someone, the close you get to them. As I have worked with Lauren, she has become one of my best friends in the world. We can laugh and joke together and I feel like we can really talk about anything. It's also reached a point where I'm over there so much that her roommates love me too and anytime I walk in they shout my name together. It's pretty sweet haha. :) I have found that serving someone and spending time with them really does lead you to loving them. I also had a realization the other morning as I was getting ready for the day that I haven't really spent a lot of time with my roommate Ashton. We share the same room and see each other every day, but we don't spend a lot of time together. That made me sad! That same day though, before I even mentioned it, she asked it I wanted to go with her and her "guyfriend" to the store before stake conference. So we went and shopped around and talked and laughed and to be honest, I was just delighted! It was just so nice spending time with her and feeling like I mattered to her, as well as getting to let her know that she matters to me. I bet that the Lord feels the same way. He loves us so much, and there are times where we let our relationship become a second-rate priority. We don't talk to Him, we don't spend time with Him, we don't let Him know we love Him... I think that I could use regular "morning realizations" with regards to my relationship with the Lord. In other words, I need to be aware of where I stand with Him. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my best friend. I want to remember Him always.

A rant on rollercoaster moods, tinder, him, and being strong.

About ready to punch someone... sorry future Lexi.

There are times where all I want to do is listen to sad, independent, strong, lonely songs and punch any guy I see. There are also times where I can't get Andy Grammer's "I choose you" out of my head and feel ready to be swept off my feet and carried away into the sunset. These times usually happen several times within the same day. By the end of the day my mind is frazzled and I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want. I want a hug. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I don't want to have to pretend to be something I'm not to make someone else happy, because then I'll be miserable. I don't want to break another heart. I want to feel like I belong without feeling stuck. I can see myself looking back on this and shaking my head at my ridiculous 18 year old ranting. "Oh Lexi, pull yourself together kiddo. Everything will work out."

I got a tinder account and deleted it after less than a week. Basically it's a dating app that allows you to "like" people you think are attractive and then message and supposedly meet up with them. I got plenty of "matches" and a few date offers, but today while walking down the sidewalk back to my apartment I deleted my account. I realized something. I sure as heck could get a large quantity of dates... but quality was lacking. I didn't actually know these guys! I mean, it's kindof flattering for someone who I've never met to think I'm pretty and ask me out, but consider this. I would be much more flattered if a guy heard an idea I shared in a class that he thought was intriguing, or if he heard from a friend that I was a nice person, and then wanted to get to know me better. With tinder... They just saw my face And (I would assume) thought it was a nice face. Isn't there more? To quote Swan Lake, "what else?" And don't you dare say "what else is there?" There's more there than even I know yet.

the artwork from our cereal night. 

I realized something else as well. I'm REALLY used to having a good guy friend around. I mean, through the years I've had some really fantastic guys there to help me out. Here at BYU the same thing has happened. One guy in particular has been a true friend. The thing is, he is also someone that I ended up hurting repeatedly. And I hate that. I hate that I couldn't control myself enough to realize that I should not have been in a relationship with him, that we should have just stayed friends. I really hurt him. And I feel like a monster for it. I thought everything could go back to normal once I wanted it to... but it doesn't really work like that does it? He said he needed space. So I waited. Turns out I didn't have to wait that long. Just the other day I heard from him and then invited him over for cereal (because that's how I connect with people apparently). Anyways... it was really nice. We talked with my roommates and just goofed off for a while until everyone else left then we drew a pretty spiffy piece of modern art with highlighters. I missed him a lot. And I guess he missed me too because that's what he told me as he walked up the stairs of his apartment building. "I missed you." Same here, kiddo. Same here.

Ya know what? It's nice to get this out there. It's nice to say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't want people to look at me and think that I look down on them because they struggle because dammit  dang it, I struggle too. It's not our job to be strong. It's our job to turn to Christ. That's something I never want to forget.