A rant on rollercoaster moods, tinder, him, and being strong.

About ready to punch someone... sorry future Lexi.

There are times where all I want to do is listen to sad, independent, strong, lonely songs and punch any guy I see. There are also times where I can't get Andy Grammer's "I choose you" out of my head and feel ready to be swept off my feet and carried away into the sunset. These times usually happen several times within the same day. By the end of the day my mind is frazzled and I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want. I want a hug. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I don't want to have to pretend to be something I'm not to make someone else happy, because then I'll be miserable. I don't want to break another heart. I want to feel like I belong without feeling stuck. I can see myself looking back on this and shaking my head at my ridiculous 18 year old ranting. "Oh Lexi, pull yourself together kiddo. Everything will work out."

I got a tinder account and deleted it after less than a week. Basically it's a dating app that allows you to "like" people you think are attractive and then message and supposedly meet up with them. I got plenty of "matches" and a few date offers, but today while walking down the sidewalk back to my apartment I deleted my account. I realized something. I sure as heck could get a large quantity of dates... but quality was lacking. I didn't actually know these guys! I mean, it's kindof flattering for someone who I've never met to think I'm pretty and ask me out, but consider this. I would be much more flattered if a guy heard an idea I shared in a class that he thought was intriguing, or if he heard from a friend that I was a nice person, and then wanted to get to know me better. With tinder... They just saw my face And (I would assume) thought it was a nice face. Isn't there more? To quote Swan Lake, "what else?" And don't you dare say "what else is there?" There's more there than even I know yet.

the artwork from our cereal night. 

I realized something else as well. I'm REALLY used to having a good guy friend around. I mean, through the years I've had some really fantastic guys there to help me out. Here at BYU the same thing has happened. One guy in particular has been a true friend. The thing is, he is also someone that I ended up hurting repeatedly. And I hate that. I hate that I couldn't control myself enough to realize that I should not have been in a relationship with him, that we should have just stayed friends. I really hurt him. And I feel like a monster for it. I thought everything could go back to normal once I wanted it to... but it doesn't really work like that does it? He said he needed space. So I waited. Turns out I didn't have to wait that long. Just the other day I heard from him and then invited him over for cereal (because that's how I connect with people apparently). Anyways... it was really nice. We talked with my roommates and just goofed off for a while until everyone else left then we drew a pretty spiffy piece of modern art with highlighters. I missed him a lot. And I guess he missed me too because that's what he told me as he walked up the stairs of his apartment building. "I missed you." Same here, kiddo. Same here.

Ya know what? It's nice to get this out there. It's nice to say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't want people to look at me and think that I look down on them because they struggle because dammit  dang it, I struggle too. It's not our job to be strong. It's our job to turn to Christ. That's something I never want to forget.