A rant on rollercoaster moods, tinder, him, and being strong.

About ready to punch someone... sorry future Lexi.

There are times where all I want to do is listen to sad, independent, strong, lonely songs and punch any guy I see. There are also times where I can't get Andy Grammer's "I choose you" out of my head and feel ready to be swept off my feet and carried away into the sunset. These times usually happen several times within the same day. By the end of the day my mind is frazzled and I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want. I want a hug. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I don't want to have to pretend to be something I'm not to make someone else happy, because then I'll be miserable. I don't want to break another heart. I want to feel like I belong without feeling stuck. I can see myself looking back on this and shaking my head at my ridiculous 18 year old ranting. "Oh Lexi, pull yourself together kiddo. Everything will work out."

I got a tinder account and deleted it after less than a week. Basically it's a dating app that allows you to "like" people you think are attractive and then message and supposedly meet up with them. I got plenty of "matches" and a few date offers, but today while walking down the sidewalk back to my apartment I deleted my account. I realized something. I sure as heck could get a large quantity of dates... but quality was lacking. I didn't actually know these guys! I mean, it's kindof flattering for someone who I've never met to think I'm pretty and ask me out, but consider this. I would be much more flattered if a guy heard an idea I shared in a class that he thought was intriguing, or if he heard from a friend that I was a nice person, and then wanted to get to know me better. With tinder... They just saw my face And (I would assume) thought it was a nice face. Isn't there more? To quote Swan Lake, "what else?" And don't you dare say "what else is there?" There's more there than even I know yet.

the artwork from our cereal night. 

I realized something else as well. I'm REALLY used to having a good guy friend around. I mean, through the years I've had some really fantastic guys there to help me out. Here at BYU the same thing has happened. One guy in particular has been a true friend. The thing is, he is also someone that I ended up hurting repeatedly. And I hate that. I hate that I couldn't control myself enough to realize that I should not have been in a relationship with him, that we should have just stayed friends. I really hurt him. And I feel like a monster for it. I thought everything could go back to normal once I wanted it to... but it doesn't really work like that does it? He said he needed space. So I waited. Turns out I didn't have to wait that long. Just the other day I heard from him and then invited him over for cereal (because that's how I connect with people apparently). Anyways... it was really nice. We talked with my roommates and just goofed off for a while until everyone else left then we drew a pretty spiffy piece of modern art with highlighters. I missed him a lot. And I guess he missed me too because that's what he told me as he walked up the stairs of his apartment building. "I missed you." Same here, kiddo. Same here.

Ya know what? It's nice to get this out there. It's nice to say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't want people to look at me and think that I look down on them because they struggle because dammit  dang it, I struggle too. It's not our job to be strong. It's our job to turn to Christ. That's something I never want to forget.

To a friend.

Just know that it's ok to feel stressed out sometimes. Your human, it's normal, and quite frankly, you've got a lot going on. I wish I could take it off your shoulders but I can't.. but you and I both know that Christ already has. Every little detail that is piling up on you, even down to spelling melkezedick correctly, he knows. He feels it too. I think that's part of the beauty of grace. He took on everything you are going through right now and He won the fight. So even if it's hard, I know you'll make it through. Because He already has. He has won your battles. All that's left is for you to let Him in. It probably won't stop being hard, but it will still be amazing. I feel like when we don't know how in the world things are going to work out we get to see how from heaven God makes it possible. We get to see miracles.

I love hills!

Two summers ago I tagged along with my town's cross country team for their morning workouts. I was at about the same pace as a girl who normally ran by herself and we ended up being running buddies. We ran down an old dirt road almost every morning and some days we would reach a huge hill. Well, huge by a Texan's standards. Either way, I wasn't particularly excited about running up this hill! The first time we ran the hill together, my friend turned to me and said, "Ok, on the count of three we're both going to yell 'I love hills!' Ready? One, two, three," "I LOVE HILLS!" I can't think of that experience without smiling. Hills really did become one of my favorite parts of our morning workouts as we shouted and laughed together while facing what could have been the hardest part of our run.
Yesterday my roommate and I did our visiting teaching. We are blessed enough to be teaching two girls who are just incredible young women. As we spoke with each of them I was just blown away by their faith and trust in God. I felt like they did more for me than I did for them. The second girl we visit taught said something that took me back to two summers ago. She told us that when she is studying and isn't particularly excited about the topic or the text book she tells herself, "I love this! I love my class and I love this text book!" Then she remembers things a lot better and just has a much more enjoyable time doing something she would have to do anyways. We sat together in her apartment as she talked to us about this strategy of hers and I had to make an effort not to stare in awe. Lately I have been having a bit of a hard time being optimistic about life. It seems like I was caught up in all the "have-tos" of my life and was struggling to find hope for tomorrow (or for today for that matter). Hearing this sweet girl talk about how she chooses to "love it!" struck a chord with me. Life is full of hills and text books and plenty of other seemingly unpleasant things. I can choose to drag my feet and complain all the way through until it's over, only to find myself face to face with the next challenge or I can choose to love it. I can choose to meet every climb with determination and shout, "I love hills!" Then the hill, or text book, or whatever struggle I'm facing won't be breaking me... It will be building me. I'll be able to look back on my life and see that those hills are some of my sweetest memories.
The more days I live the more I realize that even if I don't know exactly where I'm going, I just want to know I'm good with God. A friend of mine once told me, "it's the best feeling in the world- being worthy and just living your life knowing you're ok with God." Isn't that true? The world keeps spinning and crazy things keep happening, but the more I turn to God the more I feel in my heart that everything will be ok.

Something great about college is how much I've been able to learn about myself. I have made some huge life decisions over the past few months and have also enjoyed discovering (or rediscovering) things about myself. Just this past week I have started to rediscover my love of drawing and writing. What better way to jump back into something I used to adore than with one of my favorite things: elephants! When I was younger, elephants were my favorite animal and the same is true today. I think elephants are both awkward and majestic and I find that incredibly endearing.
 I'll be honest, I used pictures from pinterest as reference, but I'm still pretty pleased with how my drawings turned out.

No, this is not an elephant.
My roommate requested a giraffe. :)

I feel like part of what I need to do here at BYU is discover, explore, and enjoy my experiences. Before coming here in the Spring, I received a father's blessing. I thought for sure that the message would be something along the lines of "gird up your loins" or "go get to work." I was wrong. The message of the blessing was essentially this- the Lord is pleased with me, He is grateful for the lives I have touched,and I am to continue to be a light wherever I go. As I go to BYU, I will find happiness in this new adventure. Every blessing I have received since then has given a similar message. God really does want me to enjoy my time here! I have the whole world in from of me!

On the drive to Utah, I wrote in my journal the following words, which I find extremely applicable: "Something I've learned is that you don't have to know it all. You know enough. You have the Spirit to guide you always and constant access to the Man who knows it all. Let Him show you the way. He can see a lot better than we can." Taking those steps of faith has been a real challenge in my life, but it has been a great adventure. I really have seen how the Lord lights the way for me, one step at a time. It's amazing!

Today I went to a devotional for the first time in a long time. I walked in by myself and stood by the door awkwardly, glancing around for somewhere to sit. "I could sit by myself on the side row... or I could go and sit by the girl over there..." Something I have learned about myself that I have had to fight through is how much other girls intimidate me. I find it a lot easier to talk and become friends with boys, but after some unfortunate experiences with misleading people during the Spring, I have decided to veer away from a boy-dominated friend group. Which means two things: 1. I have to make an effort to reach out to other girls and 2. I have been somewhat lonely so far. In that moment at the devotional, I was honestly scared to sit next to this person. So this was the perfect opportunity to get outside my comfort zone! I walked up to this girl and asked if I could sit by her. She got a conversation going and it didn't take long to see that we have quite a bit in common! She and I are both the oldest kids in our families, both play the guitar, were both homeschooled in highschool, both write, and are both freshmen. I could tell pretty quickly that she's a gem. We swapped blog addresses, listened to the devotional, and went our separate ways. I'm hoping that our paths will cross again soon!

My baby brother is now a year old! I can hardly believe it. So much has changed since I left for college. The little rascal even learned to walk without me. The nerve. I miss him everyday. Looking back on the day he was born and the weeks and months that came after, I see that he has changed my life. He made my life rich and beautiful and, quite frankly, worth living. Last summer I taught swimming lessons in my neighborhood in the morning and at the public pool about 30 minutes away in the afternoon. During the time between teaching, I would go home and pass out on the couch with Nolan in my arms. He was, and is, the love of my life.
Something amazing about that little boy is how he was able to bring our family closer together. Especially in the winter when my mom had her ankle surgery. She couldn't get up in the night to take care of him if he was crying so the rest of the family (me, my dad, and Andrew mostly) would take turns. Everyone pulled together in taking care of him. One of my favorite things in the world was to see Andrew scoop Nolan up, put him on his shoulder like a chubby parrot, and smile his little half smile as he walked off. I wouldn't trade the time I had with my family before leaving for anything. Little memories like that fill my heart.

I miss my family like crazy. That's not a bad thing, of course. How sad would it be if I didn't miss them? It's just hard sometimes. I've had to find other ways to fill my heart. While I was at home I learned that the best way to do that is by looking to God and looking outside yourself. It helps make life meaningful again. 

During this term I've been able to get to know a girl named Lauren. She uses a wheelchair and needs people to come help her with things throughout the day and I've been lucky enough to be one of those people. Honestly, I was nervous at first. I wasn't sure I could do everything that she would need me to do and I was worried about accidentally hurting her. After the first couple of times helping her by myself though, it wasn't hard at all. The more time I spend with her, the more I realize how much she has changed my life. She is someone who fills my heart. 

This past Saturday, on the 4th of July, Lauren, her roommate Jackie, and I went to the BYU men's soccer game and afterwards walked to a parking lot where we sat and watched fireworks. It was just wonderful! Lauren and Jackie are so sweet and genuine. I appreciate people like that. I really hope we'll continue to be friends. 

I feel like I'm on the verge of some great things in my life! I'm not sure exactly what they are, but I just feel like everything is going to be just fine. Angie, Sean, and Massi drove through Provo on Saturday and stopped to say hi. We went and had a 4th of July hot dog and I just enjoyed getting to spend some time with them. They're on the homestretch to California and it's just great to see how happy they are together. They have had more than their fair share of bumps in the road, but it has helped them get where they are. As we were sitting together, I had this reassuring feeling come over me that God really is there for us. He isn't going to leave us alone. Everything is going to work out.

Sean, Massi, Angie, and me after enjoying a 4th of July hot dog!

 Lauren, Jackie, and me after stadium of fire fireworks

 Ok, I'm sure there's some kind of plan for my life, but I can't see it right now. I could use some direction. Or at least some comfort. I can't deny that I feel the Spirit. I do. I guess I'm just having trouble understanding what He's trying to say. I guess, for now, I need to just keep moving. Go forth with faith and a happy spirit. I realize that what's bothering me is just a small bump in the road.
Feeling alone... I don't really mind. Besides, I have my family I can talk to and plenty of people who are friendly with me.
Money issues... That's just a matter of me getting on top of things: calling mom, getting a job, budgeting. Not too bad.
Not knowing what in the heck I'm going to do with my life... That's ok. I'm right where I need to be and I'm doing good things. I'm learning a lot about myself and taking steps in the right direction.
I've got dreams I want to chase and I'm in an environment that can help me do just that. I want to go to Macedonia with Erica and her family in the Spring. I want to do a mission trip with Single Humanitarian Experience. Hey, maybe I want to do a study abroad! I want to start a business! I want to write a book! I want to experience life and love it!
There are a lot of things I want to do... and I don't feel like that's narcissistic. My heart reaches out to other people in little ways wherever I go so I feel like I will be able to touch the lives of others as I follow my dreams. Ok, cool. What am I waiting for? I have the power! (He-Man reference... Thanks mom.) Really though, I'm ready now. Let's get this show on the road. I know that God will bless me in everything I do if I turn to Him continually.

And here's a little inspiration. :)

My 40 Day Book of Mormon Journey: Day 8

2 Nephi 25-33

Sometimes things we don't understand today will be of great worth in the future. There are some things we will only understand at the right time. We need to hand it over to God. He's got it. Really. That's something I have been able to see in my own life and I know that when anyone takes the time to reach out to their father in heaven in prayer, they will see the same thing in a very personal way. 

Sometimes we allow ourselves to suffer under the weight of sin when all we need to do is hand it over to Christ. He WANTS to help. It is His work. Don't turn away from the help He freely gives. God's way is simple and beautiful even when our lives and the journey we are on are not. We are made alive in Christ because of our faith. Don't turn away. Don't choose the dark.

Being without the spirit is a very dangerous place to be. It is putting down your defenses on enemy lines. It is inviting the adversary to take control. We need to watch ourselves. We need to know where we stand.

Today in mission prep we got to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ. At first I was nervous because I hadn't spent any time preparing for teaching, but as I looked at the concepts in Preah My Gospel, I saw that I have been preparing. By reading the Book of Mormon I have been immersing myself in the doctrine of Christ! The fourth article of faith says, "we believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are first, faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, second repentance,  third baptism by immersion for the remission of sins, fourth the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost." As I read these chapters, I learned about all of these principles and ordinances. We can be made clean through our Savior Jesus Christ. Faith in Him allows us to feel of his grace and mercy. As we strengthen our faith we will want to follow the Savior and obey God's commandments. Following Him means we will have to change. We have at our disposal the beautiful gift of repentance which slows us to change and grow closer to God. Repentance should be a way of life. God stand ready to forgive all of us and help us on our way home. As we grow in this journey, as we desire to follow Christ, we will need to be baptized as He was. Following baptism we can receive the Holy Ghost as a constant companion in our lives. No matter where we are in our journey, we must press on. Press on in faith, with a brightness of hope! As I read, I was filled with a new resolve. I thought to myself, "this is what I want! I want to follow my Savior! I will follow Him!" It has been the most worthwhile endeavor of my life.